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Whats up!Well i'm back. Still not pregnant, NOPE! I am back with my girlfriend and we are still trying to have a baby. Previously we where broken up and i was trying to have the baby myself (stud). Now that im back with my girlfriend we are trying to have a baby together. I have really been contemplating on wether or not i should have this kid or not. I want my girlfriend to have the baby, but at the same time I want to have the baby. Now let me tell you Y. I would love to share the experience of having the child with my girlfriend and her being the birth mother. I'm scared , i'm scared that if she has the baby that some day she could walk away and not let me see the child. We have been together for 8 years and broken up for a year.I don't think that my girlfriend would ever be cruel to me as in not letting me be a part of that childs life, but u never know. People change when they get new gf or when people break up. They become bitter and just change. Then my second thing is, i want to make sure that i can have the love and relationship with the child that i would have as if it was my own child. I will be there from day one and this will be my child. There is so much going on in my mind that im not sure where to go from here. My gf recently went to the dr and was put on prenatal pills, so we will probably start going to the dr in the next month or two to get insem's done. WE did at home insems for awhile and never had any positives.Are there any studs or butches out there who are parents or had a child with a gf and everything went well. I guess i'm looking for some butches and studs who had kids with there gf's and everything turned out well. How do you feel towards this child? I love my step kids and treat them as my own. I'm just scared of the if's and but's. I believe my gf would never take the child away from me. I'm just lost as what to do.There is so much, i want the baby to be part of me as well as her, but she has two kids. I want the baby to be connected to both sides of our family. THis is so much to think about. All i know is i want a child wether its by her or me. I just want to hear some feed back on what other lesbian partners went through and how they made there decision. SHe is the femme and i am the stud.lol

cant sleep

well i just finished playing super mario on the wii. My girlfriend went out and bought it today. Unbelievable that it is just like the old mario except with new stages. It's fun and im sure we will have lots of family nights playing the game. Well im not bitter as far as the baby thing goes. I tried and thats all i can do, some stuff we just have to leave in the Lords hands. I'm very happy with the family i do have. I couldn't ask for anything more. They fullfill me. I have enjoyed being a part of the kids life. Now they are older, in high school and middle school and we have many more years to enjoy with them. I'm thankful for having them in my life and for Alexis giving me the chance to be in there life. I'm sure it will get easier for me to forget about it over time. I'm sitting here watching animal planet because i can not sleep. These deer are crazy..lol. Oh BOY i can not wait until dec i will have almost two weeks off. Well at least it will seem like it. I will only work 4 hours on sundays for two sundays out of the month and the other two sundays im off. Vacation boy is it nice. I'm off in jan for three days and i haven't even scheduled my vacation yet. I was kind of mad because when i got home alexis had did laundry, but didn't do any of mine. She basically picked around all the laundry and did hers only. Which is cool because i'm sure there wasn't many quarters and since i didn't leave any i really can't complain. I guess i just got a little ticked because i do her laundry regardless. It's the first of the week though and i know her and Sidney need laundry done. They have a busy week. I can do my laundry on my days off at my house for free. SO i really can't be mad because of that, sometimes u just have to think about things rationally. My baby does alot for me and i know she doesn't have a problem doing my laundry. I will get some quarters next time to make sure we all have our laundry done. I'm grown and can do my own laundry anyways. I dont have a problem with her doing theirs and me doing my own. Plus when i do her laundry she is always complaining that i shrunk something..LOL..unconditional love. I've missed her for the last few days. We have been busy, her and sidney went to see this is it and to a her newphews bday dinner. I was at work and when they got home i was tired and went to bed. Today i got home late and they have to get up early so they went to bed. Sidney made the bball team i was GLAD of that. Excitement, it gives us something to do and i enjoy watching her ball. Out of 37 girls she was one of the 15 picked. She's bought her grades up and her teachers have acknowledged how smart she is, they want to purchase her a gift. She is in pre ap classes and taking two instead of one like recommended. The teachers sent her mama a email saying Sidney is proof that kids can take more than one pre ap class and pass, not to mention she just finished with volleyball and now she made it through try outs for bball and she is in the band. I'm going to buy her some jordans for bball season so she can look spify on the court. She deserves them for being such a good kid. Our relationship has gotten better and im proud of that, she is still kind of distant from me, but i think its just age. She's a mama's girl. Since we've split up and got back together i think she is getting use to me being home again. We both have been improving. Anyways the LORDS will be done! Putting it in GOds hands . Darn does my head hurt these braids are too tight. i could have got off early tonight, but i cant afford to do that. Goodnight. Let me try to at least reast my eyes.

I give up on TTC

Ok im still on this TTC journey and im about to give up because i just dont see it happening and then im frustrated of course. I went to get a donation and inserted at the donor's crib this time.I wasn't nervous at all, but for some strange reason instead of inserting the instead cup full of sperm my dumb self inserted the cup standing up. I have no idea what i was thinking. Then after inserted the instead cup it was all on my hands. So right away i knew i had waisted the damn supply lol..SO i got home and took the instead cup out and sure enough there was hardly anything in it besides preseed. Not to mention the donor had given me more than he has ever before. He claims he has been eating new things to help build up sperm quantity.Well it just sucks that i waisted it all. I guess i will try again on tuesday night, after this i give up im threw trying we have done this about 9 times so far and no luck. I'm begining to think i need to just save money and go see a dr. It sounds all good and dandy, but the truth is is that this is more difficult than people think. It's hard to get the sperm to travel all the way up through the cervix. I know people do become pregnant this way, but its not meant for me. GOd's will be done. If it was meant fore me then it would happen. I guess maybe i've gotten to old to even have babies..lol..i know i ovulate every month, but maybe its just not meant for it to happen to me. I'm not mad about it. I guess i just wanted to leave a little peac of me behind, but people will have memories of me, plus there is always pictures..lol..to help them remember me. Well this is my last time trying and if it doesn't happen then the Lords will be done. I give up! Life wont be the same, but im not the only one in the world who doesn't have kids.It's really Sad for gay people to me because there is no option for them besides to go through all the stress. Everything happens for a reason and I was born this way for a reason and i dont have kids for a reason. I'm not going to dwell on it i will just continue living my life. OUt of sight out of mind. Four the last four years of my life i have wanted to have a child with my gf and now its time to move on and get past the idea that im not going to have that. I appreciate everyones support and even my girls support. Its time to get over it and move on with our life. It's time for me to just move on.It's stressful and over whelming to keep putting myself through this. I really thought that it could happen and its been on my mind for four years. I'm just ready to give up. Well guys this is it on the baby thing. Out a sight out a mind.

Seems like a lifetime

Well well well look who's back up in here telling my life story..lol..well my daily story. Well lately i have been pretty absent from my journal. I basically had a panic attack for the last two weeks it feels like. I received a letter in the mail of arteries and it said i had the Imt mean age of a 60 year old. So of course i thought i was about to die and i haven't even had the chance to have a child yet. LOL..so i finally went to the dr. to go over my test results and it turns out the my score was .77 and it should be .75 so i was actually great on the numbers and my doc said she wish her arteries looked as good as mine. It had me stressed for about two weeks..LOl..at least it felt like it. Life has been great besides that. Alexis and i are doing great, we've had a few disagreements but we've nipped those in the bud real quick and gotten over it instead of holding grudges. I think it's very important to do that in order for us to move on. Life's to short to be mad all the time. OMG...the real estate people came to look at my moms house today. They said it would probably sell within 6 to 8 weeks. I thought to myself WOW that is quick. Then i got sad all of a sudden. I have one brother and two sisters and my mom died when i was 21. She died in 1998, we have kept the house up and going since then with renting it out and my brother living there off and on. Now that we are all grown and have family's on our own we have decided to sale it due to the fact none of us live in Kansas anymore. We'll my brother does off and on he's a rolling stone just like his papa. LOL.. my sister and I have decided that it's time to sell the house so we can all take our share of the money and buy our own homes seperately. Well at least i'm looking into buying me a home and my sisters im not sure what they will do with there money. I figures it's best to sell now before the house is tore up from renters and it's not worth a penny. It's the last thing of mama's i have. My mother made a smart investment back then, when she passed it gave us a place to live while being young adults. Now that we are older we can invest in our own homes. Take our money and hopefully we all make smart decisions with it. I won't be able to go to my home town anymore and say thats my moms house or let's go to mama's. Hopefully i'll be able to say let's go to my house. Also i hope that i can take some of that money and get my girl pregnant. I'm just thinking WOW in six to 8 weeks my life could change. I could be a home owner by next year and my girl could be about to have my child. Life is great thanks to MAMA. She has looked out for me since the day she left me. She may not be here now physically, but she is here. She's every where i go. I miss her more than anything or more than words can say. I had a hard time with her not being her all through my twenties, but i keep pushing on. Letting go of this last big part of her is emotional, but i know its for the best. All i can do is thank her for giving me the chance to have something and hopefully leave something for my own kids. Also i'm getting ready to do another insemination on nov 15 18th and 19th. We will see how that goes. I am going to use the instead cups again. This time the donor wants me to come in so i can get a fresh donation and inseminate it as quickly as possible. I use to drive home with it and then inseminate. We have figured maybe if he inseminates then we put it in the instead cup and insert right away we may have a better chance. i will keep u guys posted on what's to come or what the outcome is. I have been rambling on tonight so let me get off here. I can't wait to december i'm going to be off alot and i still have 26 hours to schedule off before i schedule my 2 weeks vacation.

Life of Mine "insemination 5"

Well well what can I say I haven't been online in awhile.I haven't been online in awhile to journal anyways. We are in the bed earl tonight, tired! I had 2 days off and back to work tomorrow. Well this weekend is my sisters surprise birthday party I will not be able to attend and her sons (drew). Yes there birthdays are 4 days apart. Today I was so busy no time to relax and I missed lunch with my sweetie pie. I woek up and went and got my hair done, then off to walmart, then off to pick up a donation. I got the donation at 515 so I missed sidneys game and didn't make it back to the house until like 610 and did the insem. I'm not sure how well it worked I did keep the sperm warm it was still in liquid form. So alexis came home during insemination. I had enough for two injections. Then we put the instead cup in. OUCH, that thing hurt. I'm supposed to wear it for at least 6 to 8 hours even though I don't see how its on my cervix. The donor is supposed to be available to donate again in the morning. I took an ovulation test and BINGO I'm ovulating. Last month if I did ovulate I had no cervical mucus. So this month I have plenty of pre seed! I hear pre seed is pretty go to help get the sperms up there. If this doesn't work I'm going to go head and deal with a sperm bank instead of fresh sperm. I have all the paper work and ready to proceed! We watching animal planet ..awww..comfy laying in bed enjoying quite time with each other. Aww I love my cutty buddy. Sids n her room laying down also. TGIF! I'm begining to think maybe I'm NOT suppose to have kids because this has been along drawn out process, but I want a kid badly. I just think it would complete who I am and ill leave something behind for people to remember me by. Ill have a piece of me out in this world for everyone to enjoy. I'm not crazy, its just real!I hope and pray that I find this happiness. I'm happy with the family I have, but ill be complete when the baby comes along. Come on baby. I know there are millions of women out there going thru the same. Baby Dust to all of u. I hope tomorrow goes by quick. LOL!!!I wish I had a job I could enjoy, but it won't be long before I do because I am going back to school to get a degree and make my own choices in life instead of being handed choices.This damn instead cup is a mess, its weird, but I'm dealing wit it. They say it gets the job DONE! Have a good night!


Today ended up being a good day.At first it was awful. I went to the post office and it was closed. Not to mention I've been cramping all day. Then I took my script to the pharmacy and they told me my script was 57 dollars for ten pills. Then I gave them the cupon the Dr. Gave me and itwas 57 with the cupon, and 100 without it. I was like OMG I've never had a perscription cost that much. Then I went and got my hair done, picked up sid and we went to spring creek to eat. Sid had a attitude from the time I picked her up from school.We walked in and after a while alexis said to me, Sid has a attitude more and more anymore. I was lol and like I didn't do anything to her. Alexis was like I know its her, she's just has these moods. I was like wow what are we in for. We cracked up! Alexis had a little tude cuz Sid did, but they both got over it lol. Alexis said she didn't have one. We went ahead and went out to eat and Fucked up the barbecue! LOL!!! Man I had my womenly check up and that shit made my period start. Isn't that some crazy shit. We had a good time tonight, we laughed when we got home and most of all I'm glad Alexis communicated with me about the attitude Sid had instead of looking mad. It takes the pressure off of us and us being quite and looking crazy at each other. Its hard for me to deal with the attitudes.


Well I'm at Sidneys volleyball tournament waiting for the FINALE!Well a lot has been going on in my life. First of all I lost my job, well I'm suspended for buying a bootleg movie from a guy who sold them at work. Thank God I'm moving in with my sweetie in Nov and nov is the last month I hv to pay rent at my old apt. My girl said she's not going to let me lose my truck and I thank GOD fr that. I had a job interview the day after I got suspended which was good! It just does not feel right not having any income. I feel like I have let myself down and my girl, because life was good and going good until this down fall. Alexis said she brings me bad luck, but that's not the case. This is just a life experience. I have learned my lesson though, do business outside of work and keep work at work. GOD will take u through trials and tribulations, I just have to stay a float. Helen my co workwer is moving into my apt for two weeks which is cool cuz she has no where togo. I don't mind as long as she take care of my house. I had my dr's appt. She doesn't do a.I., she did say I'm a good candidate for breast reduction, which I am happy of that. That's another plus in my book! Well time to watch the championship! Go Chargers!


OMG I was up last night till 4am looking at FTM binders. I never knew binders where out there. I ordered my first one last night at around 230am. First off let me say this I am not Transgendered. I am not trying to go from female to male. I'm just looking for something get rid of these breast until I can find a way to get a breast reduction. My breast have always been an issue for me. They are big and I hate em. I always say I wish I had white girl titties cuz they small. I just want to be able to wear a wife beater or tight shirt. I just want my breast smaller, soon I will have breast surgery one day. I need to start saving or check with insurance. They may approve it and I have a dr appt friday. So I will discuss my binder more. I felt bad cuz for the past two nights I've been busy online and not paying attention to my girl, but tonight is her night. Binders! Wow!

Am I right or wrong?

Well I feel kind of guilty about what I'm doing, but I'm not sure that I should feel guilty. I'm in a catch 22 here. I've met another donor in the texas area. He is willing to doante twice a day and he has a child and his wife is pregnant.Anyways, here's the thing I have discussed it briefly with alexis, but not to much. The reason being is because I don't want to over whelm her with the though of OMG this is all that's on MJ's mind because it is not. I have not told her really that I plan on meeting the new donor and doing a few pick ups from him this go around.My other donor is willing to donate still as well.My thing is I just haven't talked about it much at all with alexis. I did tell her about the pre seed and the ovulation kit. She knows were going to try this cycle. I just haven't fully told her my plans. It's only because I don't want her to be stressed out in behind it. Nor do I wanna stress out in behind it. I basically don't want this to be or only conversation, I dunno what to say. I know she'll be supportive, but I just think its better if I just show up with the goods and we do what we have to do compared to discussing every move. If it doesn't work then I will move on to impregnating her if the black donor is still available at nwcryo. You guys should look into pre seed if your trying to have a child. I think Alexis is excited about the black donor and I am to. Wish us luck in Nov, possibly even OCT!

I feel Great

Sept 21 was a good day it just was. Well today at work it wasn't such a great day. I had to listen to three of my calls and only one call did i complete the call correctly. So my score was a 81% which i need a 84% to be above average.LOL..i told my sup that i was lazy this month and had to get back into the swing of things with my calls. So i started back today. Actually i started back at the end of last week getting back into the swing of things after my vacation. Regardless of the fact im still passing or exceding on my score. I just need to quit slacking. I really need to since my job is going out of business and i need to try to get transferred to a different part of at&t which i really don't know if i wanna transfer because the hours suck and i don't know if my pay will raise or fall. So i have alot to deal with. Well i was surprised on sept 21 when Alexis told me that she loves me and that she wanted to assure me that she is not thinking of anyone else but me. It just suprised me because she is not very talkative at least like that. Thats why i named her ice cold. LOL..i'm glad she said something because it was on my mind as to wether or not she was going to be in this 100 percent.It was also a good day because Alexis surpised me once again because i was filling out the papers for the sperm bank and she told me to wait to fill them out today so she could help me fill them out. She wants to help me pick out a donor. IT surprised me cause she is actually taking a interest in this.I guess we will see how far that goes. Now she asking me if i move in is her house going to stay the way it has when i come over when we dont live together. I told her that i haven't dirtied up anything. She acts like i leave shit everywhere. LOL...i'm going to do my part, but im not going to clean up after Sidney she is going to have to do that. I will do my part. I think she said that because i didn't go get the laundry which is her laundry and i may have one shirt and two pairs of draws in the laundry she is doing. I dont mind helping and i will. I think she is just tired and has to do that laundry so she taking it out on me. When i came in the house tonight i took off my shoes and put them in the bedroom i picked up the belts she left in the bedroom she took out my jeans. I made the bed before i left this morning. I will do my part she doesn't have to worry about that. As far as our room there is hardly any place for me to put anything. Oh well i'm not going to let that bother me. I know what i do and i'll do my part she just needs to do her and sidneys part. I'm not saying she can't say anything to me about cleaning because i will. The house looking like this has nothing to do with me. It's just me, it's her and sidney and i barely have anything here.I have to take kim to the dfw airport at five am in the morning on thursday OH BOY thats going to kill me.